Sitting on the bus chewing gum. A mood & attention boosting oral fidgeting strategy which provides increased blood flow, alertness, stress relief. A pure, mindless way to ossify time. And I’ve got lots of that. I’m on the way to quit my job. I made up my mind after receiving this email:
“Are you out buying office items? Sophie is also out in central buying vases?”
Seemingly rhetoric. But then:
“Can someone explain why you are both out doing the same tasks? Hope there is an explanation as this seems unproductive!”
Suddenly the world, pulsating mighty complex uttering, blushy and loquacious world, blinks. Slow motion fatty eyelids wipe out cities to meet in the middle. Clumpy black mascara smashing like tectonic plates ricochets newness to the centre of my momentary understanding and totally strips me of context.
Why am I out doing these tasks?
It does seem rather unproductive.
I could be having an ice cream, or thinking about stuff.
I could be doing almost anything else than what you have asked me to do. Which by the way is sculptural, long stemmed, seasonal flowers for the office.
It’s fine to fantasise about splitting your life in two; to daydream of relapsing with an ex, pretend you’re dumb, pull a sickie.
But the essence of your personality must remain fixed, its vision precise, full thronged, well aimed.
I told my friends, I told my mum, I told my shrink.
I wrote a list of pros and cons. So far goes something like:
“The part of my brain I can’t control”
Maladaptive behavioural patterns, flare ups of inferiority, superiorly obstinate, poor impulse control, time and time again, a bouquet of somehow acceptable addictions, my losership, my potential, the flaky rashes of consequence, the profound sense of indifference stored in my bones like cold white butter.
“The part of my brain I can control”
My work.
– Anna Plowden